Very non-productive week for me. Just haven’t felt motivated to do much of anything. I didn’t get Friday’s book blurb done and I’m only now beginning this, due on Saturday. What can I say? It’s just like that sometimes – no real reason other than no real “oomph” in me right now.
What does that have to do with instinct? I’m not sure. My instinct for years has been to write as a form of escape or self-therapy (even before I knew such things existed). I think it’s directly related to my desire to read, which often allowed me to escape. Psychologists might call it the instinct for survival, not so much to keep me alive physically, but to keep me alive emotionally.
Yet, when this all vanishes, when expression evades me, when even being online no longer draws me in, I have to wonder if there is instinct involved as well.
I’ve watched more television lately, so could my ADD just be leading me to another method of escapism? Another way to be elsewhere without leaving?
Which leads me to another aspect of instinct, for me at least. I seem to instinctively analyze everything, to try to understand the whys and wherefores of what’s happening. I actually do fairly well since a couple of friends come to me periodically seeking my take on a situation in their lives. They feel comfortable with my interpretation of what I see – yet, I don’t seem to have that same ability when it comes to me. I am also prone to over-analyzing situations. Why do I seem to “get” what’s going on with someone else and feel so lost at times when it comes to me?
Yet, getting back to instinct, I think I’ve instinctively known what to do to survive different situations in my life, even if I didn’t know what to do to get away. That doesn’t mean I escaped unscathed, but it does mean those situations didn’t destroy me because I found a way to deal or to heal. There was damage. There are scars. There is residual pain.
Another point of instinct – I don’t believe motherhood is necessarily instinctive. Sure, we will instinctively protect our children, defend them against predators, etc. But, what about those of us who didn’t feel that natural bond that so many say occurs? For me, being a mother was a struggle. It just didn’t come natural for me like it seemed to for others. I had never been around kids, didn’t know a thing about taking care of kids (believe me – book learning DOESN’T compensate!), didn’t even like being around kids all that much. Where was MY instinct to be a mother? How do you even explain it to others without their looking at you like you’re some kind of monster? Oh, I got better when I had my second child. I bonded with her in a way that didn’t happen the first time. I don’t love her any less than my first or any more, but there was a connection I felt when she was born that I hadn’t felt when my son was born. Is that wrong? Or is it just wrong to admit it? That was an instinct I would have appreciated having. I’m pretty sure my kids would have appreciated it as well.
There are other instincts I’d have liked to have had – like cooking. My mother just knew what something needed to taste good. She loved cooking and lived to cook. She could re-create a dish she’d tried and come reasonably close to the original. Not me. That gene bypassed me completely. I get it right more often now than I used to, but there was many a time that even following a recipe didn’t help. I just didn’t have “the touch”. Same with plants – Mom had a green thumb….a MAJOR green thumb. Mine? Dark Brown! You want your plant to die? Give it to me. Guaranteed death. No instinct whatsoever for keeping non-animals alive. My kids are very lucky they weren’t plants.
Labels: blog challenge, GBE2, instinct, learned, nature, writing
